Desperate

Wow, today has been pretty awful. I feel pretty much like a failure. It started out because I wanted to tell my dad that I started riding three times a week hoping and thinking he might say something like" That's really good micha", or "i'm happy for you" but i didn't get anything like that at all. Not in the slightest. Instead he gave me a horrified look and told me how we cant afford gas anymore because of all the house repairs and health issues and that it is too far to drive especially three times a week.  Any time before that I've asked about riding he has said similar things how we can't afford it. Later we went on a walk and he told me how we are going to have to make sacrifices because of the money situation and having four cars and expensive gas. I couldn't help but ask myself " Well when do I have to stop making sacrifices?"  It really crushed me. I have been trying to pick myself up again and be responsible and consistent and totally determined to ride more and do everything full heartedly, and then my hopes are crushed. I'm told I can't do something because it isn't realistic, or it's a dead end.  My dad is great he really really is and I know he's just been really stressed and works really really hard and feels bad that we are struggling. However, I can't help but feel like he crushes my dreams. I know I should think realistically about careers and life but what about the people who have changed the world by following their dreams? I guess he just doesn't believe in me enough to think I could be one of them. THis year with school I have been excited thinking about taking a certain direction and feeling like I actually have a real chance, but he tells me the facts and tells me it wont work. So I'm doing something "realistic" and I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction or no goals or no dreams or interests. The interests and talents I had were torn away from me, by my horse passing away, by all our health and house issues, and by "reality". Besides that I got an email about my scholarship I missed the renewal criteria by a fraction. My GPA was 3.20 instead of 3.25. I feel sick to my stomach about it and light headed. I mostly feel like a failure.  Every one was counting on me. Where has my concentration gone? Where has my drive gone? Luckily I have a chance to appeal the decision by showing them the unfortunate circumstances that have led to my drop in GPA. I have a friend who missed the criteria by a little too and he barely gave them a reason and they gave it back. I have lots of reasons for loss of concentration. Let's just pray they are understanding about it. The worst part is if I don't get the scholarship money I won't be able to attend ASU next semester. Who knows if I will be able to apply any school with our financial situation. I need lots of prayers, good energy, encouragement, whatever I can get.

Exhausted and desperate,

Mishka

Hey all! I got back from Colorado about a week ago and I had a good time on the trip and enjoyed chelsea's family and new friends and roomates. Chelsea's Canadian roomate Sarah introduced us to her family and one day her mother was taking a picture of Sarah and Chelsea and was saying how pretty they were and then turned to me and said."Your kinda gorgeous too". Chelsea and I laughed about that a bit and turned it into a little inside phrase. The rest of the trip when we wanted to sound Canadian we just said "Don't ya know your kinda gorgeous eh," in a horrible knock off accent.  It was fun and we brought that little phrase home with us. If my last blog made it seem like my boyfriend or Chelsea's family was insensitive I must say say that that was not my intention and both my boyfriend and my surrogate family are wonderful caring sensitive people and the things I said were meant as light hearted comments about some small feelings. My boyfriend probably the most sensitive man I know and is super sweet but still not as detailed with words as girls are so that's all I meant. Chelsea's family are just totally like my family and we joke around with each other and its a lot of fun.  Enough of that. Since I've been back it's been a whole lot Hotter and busier. On Sunday my parents had their 25th Anniversary party which the whole world attended and it was fun except for I had been sick and throwing up all day prior to the party. I sucked it up and did a pretty good job at being hostess and almost forgot about feeling sick. The best part was my grandmother's speech, watching my giddy parents throw cake in each other's faces, and joining in on the fun by smooshing cake all over my Dad's forehead. After the party Dustin, Chad , Tacha , Bekah, and I went to see Walle which was cute. It was kind of weird seeing Dustin and my matchmakers going to the movie not as a couple. I finally got to talk to Chad and Tacha both more about their recent break up and I'm really sad about it, but I know everything happens for a reason and Im hoping eventually God will bring them back together. THey are meant for each other. Plus I just couldn't handle seeing Chad (or Tacha) with anyone else. Wednesday I spent time with Dustin and went to church. After church we saw Hancock with Branden, Kris, Ben and some other people. Some of the guys complained about the movie but I thought it was entertaining. I guess I'm just not that picky. I missed Dustin so much when I woke up this morning because I really enjoyed our time together on his day off. Tonight I went to Courtney's house, as did Chelsea, Josh, Dustin, and Adam and we ate smores and played laser tag. It was a lot of fun having the whole Mexico gang (plus Adam) together to laugh. I feel pretty stupid sometimes because I'm almost always the last one to get jokes, but I almost always say that I don't get it and put everyone else in the awkward position of trying to avoid telling me what the  joke means. Haha oh well I don't need to get jokes to prove that I'm smart....right? Anyway sorry about the long run through. Hopefully I'll write more often so I don't have to squeeze in a whole  weeks worth of nonsense and can talk about more important things. Aufwiedersehen

Love 

Micha

P.s. I got a blackberry Pearl and I love it! So happy to have a nice new phone finally.