Desperate

Wow, today has been pretty awful. I feel pretty much like a failure. It started out because I wanted to tell my dad that I started riding three times a week hoping and thinking he might say something like" That's really good micha", or "i'm happy for you" but i didn't get anything like that at all. Not in the slightest. Instead he gave me a horrified look and told me how we cant afford gas anymore because of all the house repairs and health issues and that it is too far to drive especially three times a week.  Any time before that I've asked about riding he has said similar things how we can't afford it. Later we went on a walk and he told me how we are going to have to make sacrifices because of the money situation and having four cars and expensive gas. I couldn't help but ask myself " Well when do I have to stop making sacrifices?"  It really crushed me. I have been trying to pick myself up again and be responsible and consistent and totally determined to ride more and do everything full heartedly, and then my hopes are crushed. I'm told I can't do something because it isn't realistic, or it's a dead end.  My dad is great he really really is and I know he's just been really stressed and works really really hard and feels bad that we are struggling. However, I can't help but feel like he crushes my dreams. I know I should think realistically about careers and life but what about the people who have changed the world by following their dreams? I guess he just doesn't believe in me enough to think I could be one of them. THis year with school I have been excited thinking about taking a certain direction and feeling like I actually have a real chance, but he tells me the facts and tells me it wont work. So I'm doing something "realistic" and I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction or no goals or no dreams or interests. The interests and talents I had were torn away from me, by my horse passing away, by all our health and house issues, and by "reality". Besides that I got an email about my scholarship I missed the renewal criteria by a fraction. My GPA was 3.20 instead of 3.25. I feel sick to my stomach about it and light headed. I mostly feel like a failure.  Every one was counting on me. Where has my concentration gone? Where has my drive gone? Luckily I have a chance to appeal the decision by showing them the unfortunate circumstances that have led to my drop in GPA. I have a friend who missed the criteria by a little too and he barely gave them a reason and they gave it back. I have lots of reasons for loss of concentration. Let's just pray they are understanding about it. The worst part is if I don't get the scholarship money I won't be able to attend ASU next semester. Who knows if I will be able to apply any school with our financial situation. I need lots of prayers, good energy, encouragement, whatever I can get.

Exhausted and desperate,

Mishka