Venting

Wow, I have not blogged in so long. It's probably safe to say that no one will be reading this because they probably think i never blog anymore. I've felt like writing actually for a couple of weeks but I've suppressed the urge to occupy my time with slightly more important ventures like studying. However, I guess tonight i couldn't stop myself. It's not that I don't have studying to do, i fact I have two exams this week so i have plenty of studying to do. I've decided to give myself the outlet I've been needing for a couple weeks and especially this week. I've had a lot going through my mind. I guess everything escalates from my ability to be a great listener and read people well. My mom has recently said I have a gift for communicating, mediating, and reading people and I think it all stems from my ability to listen and relate to the way others feel. My whole life I've been taught to listen to other people, to be considerate, compassionate, and to put others first. I'm good at it now and for the most part I love to be that way, in fact I want to do it as a career.  My skills as a compassionate listener come with a price. I've cared so much for others and read their actions and intentions so carefully that I have neglected myself and have no confidence, self esteem, or compassion for myself. I think most people around me know pretty well I'm a good listener, and many of them ask for my advice and seem to feel comfortable talking to me about problems. I am a natural listener so I'm glad, but lately I feel a bit used. I try to be the best friend I can be and give of myself as selflessly as possible but I have seen that it is not everyone's strength to give of the same way or listen in the same way. WHen friends have problems I put my whole heart into helping them or listening to them or advising them. For the time someone needs that person to talk to I am there and they seem to want to be around me a lot and want to talk to me. As soon as people feel better about their problems talking to me seems much less important. As the advice giver I think people expect me not to have any problems of my own. I don't need anyone when i have problems perhaps. Maybe people think i can give myself advice. Whatever the interpretation, when I'm upset or dealing with life long struggles people don't ask, they don't want to know, and they most certainly don't want to listen or offer me encouragement.  In my opinion it does not help being a woman either because the same excuse is given, "she just wants attention." I hate that phrase. It's pointless and true. WHen I am upset and I feel so down and hear all these voices telling me I'm not good enough, you are darn right I want attention. I WANT a friend to ENCOURAGE me, to tell me I'm amazing or worthwhile so I don't have to go to bed feeling discouraged and hopeless. If friends would once in awhile ask me how I am and genuinely care to listen then I wouldn't have to cry out for encouragement or "attention". I guess not everyone has the ability to listen like I do, maybe it's not their gift and I should understand that. People should try to understand me though every once in awhile. They shouldn't dismiss my problems as being silly, because any problem can escalate into something bigger. I'm not perfect and I'd like it if people would accept that of me. I'd like friends to pursue a friendship outside of me advising them.  I am loyal to a fault and I don't tolerate signs of disloyalty well, it hurts me very easily even if I don't say something and then it all comes out at once like this. I just had to vent, even if it's to the computer screen. Maybe some day I can help other girls dealing with the same things I am.