Today was the first day back at ASU. My first class was at 8:35 and everyone will be surprised to know that not only was I on time for class, but I was an hour early! It's like a miracle for me. I feel so determined I'm going to do really well this semester. It was a decent day I only had two classes in the morning than got to meet dusty for his lunch break.  That was nice. Speaking of dustin, today was his first day of college at SCC! I am so proud of him, it seems like he handled it pretty well and maybe even enjoyed some parts of it. It was actually really really nice to be able to talk to him about our school. I mean I always have talked to him about my school and classes and its been good but now that he's doing it too, I don't know it just is even better. Now we totally relate about school stuff : ) Poor guy already has essays and math problems,but he is so assertive and organized he got right on it and is finishing it already. I'm so proud : ) I wish I was less of a procrastinator and could be more like him. I'm really excited too because Friday we had our first ballroom lesson. We did a little bit of Rhumba, foxtrot, and two seconds of salsa (because we already knew the step we learned). Nothing has ever brought such a big smie to my face or such warmth in my heart since horse riding. I felt like I was beaming. It was so fun and just amazing to have such a good partner and lead. I felt so beautiful. I think the instructor really likes us because we catch on super fast and already know some dance and coordination. My ballet background really helped.  The instructor told us we were such a beautiful couple that we really need to learn beautiful dancing and get god enough to compete haha. THat made me laugh. Well that's pretty much it. I'm really drowsy from my medication so I'm off too bed.

Love you all,

Micha Moo

Back

Okay so I haven't put a new blog up for a month so i figured I would write one. For those of you wondering (No one reads this so that would be like 3 people maybe), I found out I got back my scholarship. It's a huge relief and an answer to prayer and I am completely inspired and determined to get all A's this semester and get all kinds of school oriented things accomplised. I am even a little excited for the semester to start. However, I am also nervous, especially for Dusty. He is starting at SCC this month and will have to work and go to school full time and pay for everything. I am worried he will be over stressed and will resent me because he knows it's what I want. I am worried he wont have any fun or will be tired all the time. Most of all I'm worried we wont be able to spend time together. That would be really hard especially because spending time with Dustin de stresses me and makes me feel happy and relaxed. He will be working really hard and so will chelsea (trying to get her business up and running), and I guess I will be too, so it's going to be hard and take a lot of getting used to. I guess that's what we have to do because we are all "grown ups" now. It's stressful to be grown up, but still exciting. I just think Dustin will need prayer this year, as will chelsea and I and most people are age. It's a stressful time. I love all of you!

Love mIcha mushy face

Desperate

Wow, today has been pretty awful. I feel pretty much like a failure. It started out because I wanted to tell my dad that I started riding three times a week hoping and thinking he might say something like" That's really good micha", or "i'm happy for you" but i didn't get anything like that at all. Not in the slightest. Instead he gave me a horrified look and told me how we cant afford gas anymore because of all the house repairs and health issues and that it is too far to drive especially three times a week.  Any time before that I've asked about riding he has said similar things how we can't afford it. Later we went on a walk and he told me how we are going to have to make sacrifices because of the money situation and having four cars and expensive gas. I couldn't help but ask myself " Well when do I have to stop making sacrifices?"  It really crushed me. I have been trying to pick myself up again and be responsible and consistent and totally determined to ride more and do everything full heartedly, and then my hopes are crushed. I'm told I can't do something because it isn't realistic, or it's a dead end.  My dad is great he really really is and I know he's just been really stressed and works really really hard and feels bad that we are struggling. However, I can't help but feel like he crushes my dreams. I know I should think realistically about careers and life but what about the people who have changed the world by following their dreams? I guess he just doesn't believe in me enough to think I could be one of them. THis year with school I have been excited thinking about taking a certain direction and feeling like I actually have a real chance, but he tells me the facts and tells me it wont work. So I'm doing something "realistic" and I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction or no goals or no dreams or interests. The interests and talents I had were torn away from me, by my horse passing away, by all our health and house issues, and by "reality". Besides that I got an email about my scholarship I missed the renewal criteria by a fraction. My GPA was 3.20 instead of 3.25. I feel sick to my stomach about it and light headed. I mostly feel like a failure.  Every one was counting on me. Where has my concentration gone? Where has my drive gone? Luckily I have a chance to appeal the decision by showing them the unfortunate circumstances that have led to my drop in GPA. I have a friend who missed the criteria by a little too and he barely gave them a reason and they gave it back. I have lots of reasons for loss of concentration. Let's just pray they are understanding about it. The worst part is if I don't get the scholarship money I won't be able to attend ASU next semester. Who knows if I will be able to apply any school with our financial situation. I need lots of prayers, good energy, encouragement, whatever I can get.

Exhausted and desperate,

Mishka

Hey all! I got back from Colorado about a week ago and I had a good time on the trip and enjoyed chelsea's family and new friends and roomates. Chelsea's Canadian roomate Sarah introduced us to her family and one day her mother was taking a picture of Sarah and Chelsea and was saying how pretty they were and then turned to me and said."Your kinda gorgeous too". Chelsea and I laughed about that a bit and turned it into a little inside phrase. The rest of the trip when we wanted to sound Canadian we just said "Don't ya know your kinda gorgeous eh," in a horrible knock off accent.  It was fun and we brought that little phrase home with us. If my last blog made it seem like my boyfriend or Chelsea's family was insensitive I must say say that that was not my intention and both my boyfriend and my surrogate family are wonderful caring sensitive people and the things I said were meant as light hearted comments about some small feelings. My boyfriend probably the most sensitive man I know and is super sweet but still not as detailed with words as girls are so that's all I meant. Chelsea's family are just totally like my family and we joke around with each other and its a lot of fun.  Enough of that. Since I've been back it's been a whole lot Hotter and busier. On Sunday my parents had their 25th Anniversary party which the whole world attended and it was fun except for I had been sick and throwing up all day prior to the party. I sucked it up and did a pretty good job at being hostess and almost forgot about feeling sick. The best part was my grandmother's speech, watching my giddy parents throw cake in each other's faces, and joining in on the fun by smooshing cake all over my Dad's forehead. After the party Dustin, Chad , Tacha , Bekah, and I went to see Walle which was cute. It was kind of weird seeing Dustin and my matchmakers going to the movie not as a couple. I finally got to talk to Chad and Tacha both more about their recent break up and I'm really sad about it, but I know everything happens for a reason and Im hoping eventually God will bring them back together. THey are meant for each other. Plus I just couldn't handle seeing Chad (or Tacha) with anyone else. Wednesday I spent time with Dustin and went to church. After church we saw Hancock with Branden, Kris, Ben and some other people. Some of the guys complained about the movie but I thought it was entertaining. I guess I'm just not that picky. I missed Dustin so much when I woke up this morning because I really enjoyed our time together on his day off. Tonight I went to Courtney's house, as did Chelsea, Josh, Dustin, and Adam and we ate smores and played laser tag. It was a lot of fun having the whole Mexico gang (plus Adam) together to laugh. I feel pretty stupid sometimes because I'm almost always the last one to get jokes, but I almost always say that I don't get it and put everyone else in the awkward position of trying to avoid telling me what the  joke means. Haha oh well I don't need to get jokes to prove that I'm smart....right? Anyway sorry about the long run through. Hopefully I'll write more often so I don't have to squeeze in a whole  weeks worth of nonsense and can talk about more important things. Aufwiedersehen

Love 

Micha

P.s. I got a blackberry Pearl and I love it! So happy to have a nice new phone finally.

Colorado

I'm pretty bad at keeping up with this whole blog thing. Such is my life. Well currently I'm up in Loveland Colorado visiting chels bo bels for her graduation from equine massage therapy school. It's beautiful up here and chelsea really seems like she had a great experience with the people and the program. It kind of made me wish I could do something similar. Chelsea's roomate Sarah and her family are very nice. THey are from Canada and it was fun because when we went out to eat mexican food we had to explain what everything was. I love how they say "eh" it's so neat. Well besides that I'm getting restless to get a job, and figure out what I'm going to be when I "grow up", and I get depressed when I see pictures of myself now. I need encouragement but it's funny when I tell dustin I need encouragement because I feel bad about myself he gives me such guy encouragement. Everything is in one word answers. I'm a woman I need elaborate wording and details, details, details! I love hime though, and miss him. If I say anything to Chelsea's family they just tell me I'm way skinny so I better Shutup haha. I guess that's an okay response but it almost makes me feel like I am purposely starving myself or something.... which is pretty much the complete opposite of truth, as I have been gorging on unhealthy food since becoming a college student. Well enough of that, I'll be back soon, and hopefully I will bring some of this wonderful Colorado weather and scenery back to Arizona with me ; ).
Yours Truly,
Michadoll

I got back from San diego california last night, and i don't want to be back.Duster and i drove up together and stayed with paulynn.  It was definintely a wonderful  and much needed trip. We went to the beach, went shopping, worked out, watched movies with paulynn, and ate at wonderful restaurants. Dustin and I had a lot of fun driving together and shopping at the palm spring outlets and it was nice to have some time together that wasn't interupted by work or stress. We wvwn celebrated our two and a half year anniversary when we were up there (we're corny we know). The hardest part of it all was knowing when we get back life starts again and knowing I would have to leave him and he would have to go back to working all the time and living on the opposite end of the world. I'm really sad to be back and to be separated from him again especially because I don't even have chelsea around to hang out with.  Now I have to actually start trying to get a job and be responsible and I have to call dustin to tell him anything and Im going to get lonely and needy and stressed. I want to go back to Cali the weather and the company is so nice there and I like being able to visit lalafantasy land with dustin and not have any worries. One day I will move to California, I'm determined and I will live out the fantasy I get to visit every once in a while, for now though I have to find a job and get my hobby back and try to keep my sanity through all the social engagements (weddings) we have and the cramped living spaces.  For now, it's welcome back to my life. Joy!

Look a post!

So it's been nearly a week since my last post, which pretty much shows how distracted I get. I had a semi busy week. I finally started going to my real house to clean everything with vinegar and put it all in boxes so that we can tear out the carpet, get rid of any remaining mold spores, and eventually put in all the new carpet so that we can finally have our house back. I put off going and helping out my family far too long but I realize that if I'm so tired of living at my grandparents' house and being crammed in a tiny room with two sisters and three wardrobes (probably more like 4 since mine is equal to 2) I need to ignore my laziness and soreness and unmotivated feelings and help. I'm proud I'm actually doing something but now it reminds me of all the other things I need to do besides the overwhelming project of fixing our house. So now I must move down my list as I continue to help with the house. Things to do include: Getting a job, Start riding again because who am I kidding I can't live without it, Find a place for ballroom lessons, sign up for fall classes, sell clothes and books because I have so many nice ones that would make people very happy, work out a lot again and make myself feel better, Schedule doctors appointments, and so much more. I haven't been feeling well the last few days because my muscles have been even more achey, so I only helped with the house and didn't ride or anything like I wanted. I also watched the Klick's house and doggy this weekend which was kind of nice because I got to sleep in an actual bed and had a nice retreat for myself. It was nice because I didn't have to feel bad for not feeling well and just wanting to lay down and veg out. No eyes of my super grandma looking down on me because "GASP" I'm a regular lazy American youngster who wants to rest after a long semester. No arguments or judgemental critical comments. Just peace and quiet and the occasional wimper of Sparky the very helpless partially blind schnauzer and persistent meowing of....that gray lion cat of Sam's. Of course the tv with it's universal remote was like rocket science but a few calls to greg helped me figure out how to work the thing so I could watch lots of pointless but entertainingly girly shows and Women's Entertainment television (which had tons of shows on weddings and was a bad influence). I wish I was back at their house, it was so much more peaceful. I also enjoyed going to the Milyard's house with my family (minus my grandparents) and watching season 4 of Lost. It was nice to spend time with my family and our friends. I forgot how much more peaceful and relaxing just being with my family was. Jessi, alea's chinese roommate from san diego also is in town until wednesday and she is very sweet and very bubbly. It has been fun hanging out with alea and her. We even got BOBA! yay! I do feel slightly more up beat but still a bit stressed but it helped that I finally broke down and cried on my parents shoulders about everything going on with me.  Hopefully a doctor's visit will result and I will not hole everything inside so much.

Love ,

Micha

P.s. On another note dustin found out he is being transferred to the OSA in Fashion Square which his managers claim is for good reasons but dustin is a little stressed about it, so I'm a bit stressed for him. But I have faith in him and if it's everything his manager claim it to be than it should be a good thing. Let's pray it is a blessing in disguise.

Bekah's Birthday.

Today, well actually yesterday technically was bekah's birthday.It was fun she got to do a lot of fun stuff and I even got a pedicure out of it but I can't help but feel kind of crappy now. It was hard for me to keep a smile on my face today and it was hard for me to have the energy to have fun and tag along to all of my wonderful sister's Birthday activities. I feel like crap, I have for awhile. I feel tired every day, and achey, and angry and bitter. I can't really explain why but I find myself withdrawn and resentful. On the outside I may not act withdrawn or tired or achey but I inside I feel like a mess. Tonight I felt invisible. Maybe I'm just selfish and I got too used to being the spoiled youngest child my whole life but it seems like I used to be totally fine with celebrating my sisters' birthday and giving them attention and now I feel like it's a strain because I feel like I have been invisible for awhile. I don't really think it is any one's fault but my own or maybe it's our circumstances fault but I still resent.  Maybe I don't ask for help enough, or maybe I don't complain or demand enough maybe I've been too wrapped up in my own life to be part of the family so now no one notices. I've tried to tell people how I feel, how I've had mood swings, and have been bitter, and sore, and tired, and unmotivated, and depressed hoping that I would be taken seriously enough to be sent to the doctor or asked if I needed help. I mean I have had cyst problems for years and have needed to see the specialist for at least a year. I've dealt with the pain and nausea forever and was sent to the hospital first. I probably sound childish but I can't help but be jealous and hurt that my sister gets to see a specialist first.  It's not her fault, she has been pretty sick for a year I do understand I'm just being jealous and petty. But, I'm tired. I just want to be taken seriously. Being the youngest has its downfalls, I'm not taken as seriously until someone wants to lecture me or point out something I do that they may not like or remind me how I'm so young. I love my family but I think right now the way I feel is distancing me from them. I almost feel as if sometimes I'm just a fly on the wall observing my family interact, and observing some robot who is acting as myself try to get attention.

Micha

P.s. On a funny note since this may be a bit depressing, my dad and I decided that I should call him Papi from now on. Haha I love his random goofiness.

I am awful at creating appropriate titles.

Well, Chelsea Smith did it again! She inspired me, inspired me to start my own blog nonetheless. I pity every person who has to sit here and read the innermost thoughts of my own entirely overly complex mind. Really, I do. Especially Dustin and Chelsea who by some way or another are my closest friends and therefore must read it for fear of hurting my feelings.  But such is life so no one can complain too much. Well I have always tried to journal because I find that it makes me feel good to write out some of my deepest thoughts since I cannot express them verbally as eloquently as I can write them. So this is it. This is my way of journaling, and hopefully I will find comfort and enjoyment in it, and maybe be able to tell if I am okay at this writing stuff. So we will see. Eventually I may be writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly on this wonderful blog, but for now, as to kind of slowly submerge (I have no idea if that is the proper word but use your imagination peoples) all my readers in to boiling water (like a lobster) I am not going to write anything deep or feeling today and will instead end with this silly little introduction. To warn my readers, I have forgotten nearly all of my grammar and punctuation schooling so my blogs will use poor punctuation, probably poor vocabulary, and possibly poor story lines. Also, to warn my readers again, Don't tell me how horrible my punctuation is because...I already know. Hope you enjoy!