Venting

Wow, I have not blogged in so long. It's probably safe to say that no one will be reading this because they probably think i never blog anymore. I've felt like writing actually for a couple of weeks but I've suppressed the urge to occupy my time with slightly more important ventures like studying. However, I guess tonight i couldn't stop myself. It's not that I don't have studying to do, i fact I have two exams this week so i have plenty of studying to do. I've decided to give myself the outlet I've been needing for a couple weeks and especially this week. I've had a lot going through my mind. I guess everything escalates from my ability to be a great listener and read people well. My mom has recently said I have a gift for communicating, mediating, and reading people and I think it all stems from my ability to listen and relate to the way others feel. My whole life I've been taught to listen to other people, to be considerate, compassionate, and to put others first. I'm good at it now and for the most part I love to be that way, in fact I want to do it as a career.  My skills as a compassionate listener come with a price. I've cared so much for others and read their actions and intentions so carefully that I have neglected myself and have no confidence, self esteem, or compassion for myself. I think most people around me know pretty well I'm a good listener, and many of them ask for my advice and seem to feel comfortable talking to me about problems. I am a natural listener so I'm glad, but lately I feel a bit used. I try to be the best friend I can be and give of myself as selflessly as possible but I have seen that it is not everyone's strength to give of the same way or listen in the same way. WHen friends have problems I put my whole heart into helping them or listening to them or advising them. For the time someone needs that person to talk to I am there and they seem to want to be around me a lot and want to talk to me. As soon as people feel better about their problems talking to me seems much less important. As the advice giver I think people expect me not to have any problems of my own. I don't need anyone when i have problems perhaps. Maybe people think i can give myself advice. Whatever the interpretation, when I'm upset or dealing with life long struggles people don't ask, they don't want to know, and they most certainly don't want to listen or offer me encouragement.  In my opinion it does not help being a woman either because the same excuse is given, "she just wants attention." I hate that phrase. It's pointless and true. WHen I am upset and I feel so down and hear all these voices telling me I'm not good enough, you are darn right I want attention. I WANT a friend to ENCOURAGE me, to tell me I'm amazing or worthwhile so I don't have to go to bed feeling discouraged and hopeless. If friends would once in awhile ask me how I am and genuinely care to listen then I wouldn't have to cry out for encouragement or "attention". I guess not everyone has the ability to listen like I do, maybe it's not their gift and I should understand that. People should try to understand me though every once in awhile. They shouldn't dismiss my problems as being silly, because any problem can escalate into something bigger. I'm not perfect and I'd like it if people would accept that of me. I'd like friends to pursue a friendship outside of me advising them.  I am loyal to a fault and I don't tolerate signs of disloyalty well, it hurts me very easily even if I don't say something and then it all comes out at once like this. I just had to vent, even if it's to the computer screen. Maybe some day I can help other girls dealing with the same things I am.

Today was the first day back at ASU. My first class was at 8:35 and everyone will be surprised to know that not only was I on time for class, but I was an hour early! It's like a miracle for me. I feel so determined I'm going to do really well this semester. It was a decent day I only had two classes in the morning than got to meet dusty for his lunch break.  That was nice. Speaking of dustin, today was his first day of college at SCC! I am so proud of him, it seems like he handled it pretty well and maybe even enjoyed some parts of it. It was actually really really nice to be able to talk to him about our school. I mean I always have talked to him about my school and classes and its been good but now that he's doing it too, I don't know it just is even better. Now we totally relate about school stuff : ) Poor guy already has essays and math problems,but he is so assertive and organized he got right on it and is finishing it already. I'm so proud : ) I wish I was less of a procrastinator and could be more like him. I'm really excited too because Friday we had our first ballroom lesson. We did a little bit of Rhumba, foxtrot, and two seconds of salsa (because we already knew the step we learned). Nothing has ever brought such a big smie to my face or such warmth in my heart since horse riding. I felt like I was beaming. It was so fun and just amazing to have such a good partner and lead. I felt so beautiful. I think the instructor really likes us because we catch on super fast and already know some dance and coordination. My ballet background really helped.  The instructor told us we were such a beautiful couple that we really need to learn beautiful dancing and get god enough to compete haha. THat made me laugh. Well that's pretty much it. I'm really drowsy from my medication so I'm off too bed.

Love you all,

Micha Moo

Back

Okay so I haven't put a new blog up for a month so i figured I would write one. For those of you wondering (No one reads this so that would be like 3 people maybe), I found out I got back my scholarship. It's a huge relief and an answer to prayer and I am completely inspired and determined to get all A's this semester and get all kinds of school oriented things accomplised. I am even a little excited for the semester to start. However, I am also nervous, especially for Dusty. He is starting at SCC this month and will have to work and go to school full time and pay for everything. I am worried he will be over stressed and will resent me because he knows it's what I want. I am worried he wont have any fun or will be tired all the time. Most of all I'm worried we wont be able to spend time together. That would be really hard especially because spending time with Dustin de stresses me and makes me feel happy and relaxed. He will be working really hard and so will chelsea (trying to get her business up and running), and I guess I will be too, so it's going to be hard and take a lot of getting used to. I guess that's what we have to do because we are all "grown ups" now. It's stressful to be grown up, but still exciting. I just think Dustin will need prayer this year, as will chelsea and I and most people are age. It's a stressful time. I love all of you!

Love mIcha mushy face

Desperate

Wow, today has been pretty awful. I feel pretty much like a failure. It started out because I wanted to tell my dad that I started riding three times a week hoping and thinking he might say something like" That's really good micha", or "i'm happy for you" but i didn't get anything like that at all. Not in the slightest. Instead he gave me a horrified look and told me how we cant afford gas anymore because of all the house repairs and health issues and that it is too far to drive especially three times a week.  Any time before that I've asked about riding he has said similar things how we can't afford it. Later we went on a walk and he told me how we are going to have to make sacrifices because of the money situation and having four cars and expensive gas. I couldn't help but ask myself " Well when do I have to stop making sacrifices?"  It really crushed me. I have been trying to pick myself up again and be responsible and consistent and totally determined to ride more and do everything full heartedly, and then my hopes are crushed. I'm told I can't do something because it isn't realistic, or it's a dead end.  My dad is great he really really is and I know he's just been really stressed and works really really hard and feels bad that we are struggling. However, I can't help but feel like he crushes my dreams. I know I should think realistically about careers and life but what about the people who have changed the world by following their dreams? I guess he just doesn't believe in me enough to think I could be one of them. THis year with school I have been excited thinking about taking a certain direction and feeling like I actually have a real chance, but he tells me the facts and tells me it wont work. So I'm doing something "realistic" and I feel stuck, I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction or no goals or no dreams or interests. The interests and talents I had were torn away from me, by my horse passing away, by all our health and house issues, and by "reality". Besides that I got an email about my scholarship I missed the renewal criteria by a fraction. My GPA was 3.20 instead of 3.25. I feel sick to my stomach about it and light headed. I mostly feel like a failure.  Every one was counting on me. Where has my concentration gone? Where has my drive gone? Luckily I have a chance to appeal the decision by showing them the unfortunate circumstances that have led to my drop in GPA. I have a friend who missed the criteria by a little too and he barely gave them a reason and they gave it back. I have lots of reasons for loss of concentration. Let's just pray they are understanding about it. The worst part is if I don't get the scholarship money I won't be able to attend ASU next semester. Who knows if I will be able to apply any school with our financial situation. I need lots of prayers, good energy, encouragement, whatever I can get.

Exhausted and desperate,

Mishka

Hey all! I got back from Colorado about a week ago and I had a good time on the trip and enjoyed chelsea's family and new friends and roomates. Chelsea's Canadian roomate Sarah introduced us to her family and one day her mother was taking a picture of Sarah and Chelsea and was saying how pretty they were and then turned to me and said."Your kinda gorgeous too". Chelsea and I laughed about that a bit and turned it into a little inside phrase. The rest of the trip when we wanted to sound Canadian we just said "Don't ya know your kinda gorgeous eh," in a horrible knock off accent.  It was fun and we brought that little phrase home with us. If my last blog made it seem like my boyfriend or Chelsea's family was insensitive I must say say that that was not my intention and both my boyfriend and my surrogate family are wonderful caring sensitive people and the things I said were meant as light hearted comments about some small feelings. My boyfriend probably the most sensitive man I know and is super sweet but still not as detailed with words as girls are so that's all I meant. Chelsea's family are just totally like my family and we joke around with each other and its a lot of fun.  Enough of that. Since I've been back it's been a whole lot Hotter and busier. On Sunday my parents had their 25th Anniversary party which the whole world attended and it was fun except for I had been sick and throwing up all day prior to the party. I sucked it up and did a pretty good job at being hostess and almost forgot about feeling sick. The best part was my grandmother's speech, watching my giddy parents throw cake in each other's faces, and joining in on the fun by smooshing cake all over my Dad's forehead. After the party Dustin, Chad , Tacha , Bekah, and I went to see Walle which was cute. It was kind of weird seeing Dustin and my matchmakers going to the movie not as a couple. I finally got to talk to Chad and Tacha both more about their recent break up and I'm really sad about it, but I know everything happens for a reason and Im hoping eventually God will bring them back together. THey are meant for each other. Plus I just couldn't handle seeing Chad (or Tacha) with anyone else. Wednesday I spent time with Dustin and went to church. After church we saw Hancock with Branden, Kris, Ben and some other people. Some of the guys complained about the movie but I thought it was entertaining. I guess I'm just not that picky. I missed Dustin so much when I woke up this morning because I really enjoyed our time together on his day off. Tonight I went to Courtney's house, as did Chelsea, Josh, Dustin, and Adam and we ate smores and played laser tag. It was a lot of fun having the whole Mexico gang (plus Adam) together to laugh. I feel pretty stupid sometimes because I'm almost always the last one to get jokes, but I almost always say that I don't get it and put everyone else in the awkward position of trying to avoid telling me what the  joke means. Haha oh well I don't need to get jokes to prove that I'm smart....right? Anyway sorry about the long run through. Hopefully I'll write more often so I don't have to squeeze in a whole  weeks worth of nonsense and can talk about more important things. Aufwiedersehen

Love 

Micha

P.s. I got a blackberry Pearl and I love it! So happy to have a nice new phone finally.

Colorado

I'm pretty bad at keeping up with this whole blog thing. Such is my life. Well currently I'm up in Loveland Colorado visiting chels bo bels for her graduation from equine massage therapy school. It's beautiful up here and chelsea really seems like she had a great experience with the people and the program. It kind of made me wish I could do something similar. Chelsea's roomate Sarah and her family are very nice. THey are from Canada and it was fun because when we went out to eat mexican food we had to explain what everything was. I love how they say "eh" it's so neat. Well besides that I'm getting restless to get a job, and figure out what I'm going to be when I "grow up", and I get depressed when I see pictures of myself now. I need encouragement but it's funny when I tell dustin I need encouragement because I feel bad about myself he gives me such guy encouragement. Everything is in one word answers. I'm a woman I need elaborate wording and details, details, details! I love hime though, and miss him. If I say anything to Chelsea's family they just tell me I'm way skinny so I better Shutup haha. I guess that's an okay response but it almost makes me feel like I am purposely starving myself or something.... which is pretty much the complete opposite of truth, as I have been gorging on unhealthy food since becoming a college student. Well enough of that, I'll be back soon, and hopefully I will bring some of this wonderful Colorado weather and scenery back to Arizona with me ; ).
Yours Truly,
Michadoll

I got back from San diego california last night, and i don't want to be back.Duster and i drove up together and stayed with paulynn.  It was definintely a wonderful  and much needed trip. We went to the beach, went shopping, worked out, watched movies with paulynn, and ate at wonderful restaurants. Dustin and I had a lot of fun driving together and shopping at the palm spring outlets and it was nice to have some time together that wasn't interupted by work or stress. We wvwn celebrated our two and a half year anniversary when we were up there (we're corny we know). The hardest part of it all was knowing when we get back life starts again and knowing I would have to leave him and he would have to go back to working all the time and living on the opposite end of the world. I'm really sad to be back and to be separated from him again especially because I don't even have chelsea around to hang out with.  Now I have to actually start trying to get a job and be responsible and I have to call dustin to tell him anything and Im going to get lonely and needy and stressed. I want to go back to Cali the weather and the company is so nice there and I like being able to visit lalafantasy land with dustin and not have any worries. One day I will move to California, I'm determined and I will live out the fantasy I get to visit every once in a while, for now though I have to find a job and get my hobby back and try to keep my sanity through all the social engagements (weddings) we have and the cramped living spaces.  For now, it's welcome back to my life. Joy!